Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Road to Spirituality

Maybe it is because of the realization that I am pregnant with my third child, but I am searching for my spirituality. I have been on this search for quite some time, but have not had any luck. I think now that the newest member of our family will be arriving in about 7 months, I am really trying to complete projects and fill this spirituality void I have been having.

First of all, I decided I needed to learn how to pray. This I felt was my start to finding lost spirituality. I did consult a few people on how one learns this art, but I never followed through. The main person I depended on in this matter finally contacted me last night. I am a bit disappointed and felt like he copped out, but he did guide me to someone that I really think can help.

This person I am talking about is the priest at our church. Since we are in this new age of technology, I decided to email him. I did tell him I had something that concerned me and wanted to talk and we decided email would be best for both of us. This is usually the best form of communication for me because I can do it when the kids are asleep and I can focus. I really gathered my thoughts well and spoke how I felt with my present spirituality and religion. I am not one to make my feelings known too often, so this was really a break through for me. I sent this email on October 14, 2007. Well, November 11, 2007 comes around and no response from my priest. I resent the email, but changed the subject and added a few statements at the beginning of the email. I saw him at church on Sunday, but didn't say anything.

On Monday, I decided to call him. I didn't get him, so I left a message. Finally, Tuesday night he called. I guess I wouldn't have been so bothered had he just sent a quick email response saying I got your email, but I am busy and will get back to you later. Of course when he calls, I am sleeping and in a fog during most of our conversation. I am sorry to say that as a priest, I thought he would be more helpful and give me more insight.

The good thing that I did take from our foggy conversation was that our Archdiocese has a department called the Archdiocese Spirituality Center. This really excites me! I called today to set up an appointment with a spirituality director. I never knew there was such a thing. This person will help guide me on my journey to finding my spirituality and learning how to pray.

The lady I spoke with asked me, "who would you like?" Of course, I don't know anyone so she said a man, lady, priest, nun, layperson, young, old. So, I told her about me, my age, my family, and my expectations. Her reply was, "I have the perfect person for you." This sounds really encouraging. This 3 minute conversation was certainly more stimulating than the 35 minute conversation with my priest.

I am now waiting impatiently to hear from my spirituality director. I am hoping this is just what I need on my road to spirituality.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


Well, for those of you that don't know.....I am pregnant.....again. This makes baby #3. The funny thing is that it was planned. I knew when "it" happened that I would be pregnant. Although, I am still freaking out a bit. I am 37 years old pregnant with my third child. I will have 3 children 3 years old and under. I think I am either 7 or 8 weeks along. Normally, I would keep it quiet until after the 1st trimester, but I am already "showing". It is too hard to hide. And I am tired of making excuses to why I am sick all of the time. Surprisingly, I already had an ultrasound at 6 weeks.

I realize I have not been blogging and for that matter on the web. I have been so nauseated and just feeling bad. I used to be on the web before the kids woke up and after they went to bed, but not anymore. I now find myself curled up in a ball until after the kids awake and go to bed soon after they go to sleep. Sometimes as early as 8 o'clock. I don't remember being this tired. It isn't just being tired, I feel completely exhausted.

Am I old? Is this why I am feeling like crap? I know, I am too old to be having babies while I still have 2 toddlers. So, of course I am considered high risk. Not only because of my age, but because of my 2 previous c-sections.

This is a topic that really frustrates me and quite frankly angers me. My first child was breech, so it was a medically necessary c-section. The next delivery should have been natural, but my doctor convinced me the baby was growing so fast that they needed to do a c-section. In hind sight, I realize neither my health nor my baby's health were in jeopardy. This one was not medically necessary. What I do know is that doctors hate having to stay in the hospital the whole time while a mom tries to labor for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). It is no longer about what a patient wants. It is about what is more convenient for the doctor. They are the ones getting paid for their services. I don't understand why they cannot go through with a patient's wishes. I am a nurse and understand the medical standpoint, but I had no health risk factors that would prevent me. I do realize there is a place for everything. I do know that if it is a risk for the baby or mother's safety then, so be it, a c-section is necessary.

I have made birth plans, but never really made light of them to my doctor. I feel like this time I should and stick to it. When I went in for my appointment last week, she immediately said, "you know you will be having a c-section, right?" And I said, No, I won't unless it is truly medically necessary. I told her don't be surprised if I don't show up for my scheduled c-section. I will labor at home and and go in when the time is ready. Of course, if there are any complications, I will change the plan, but I feel like it should be my plan.

I just feel so cheated that I didn't experience labor for either birth. Not even one labor pain. It is a "Rite of Passage" that I was not given the opportunity. I really want it, unless it will bring harm to the baby. I think the closest to labor I felt was during my true first pregnancy when I was miscarrying. (Don't send pity over this, I am over it.) So in actuality, this is my 4th pregnancy. I try to forget about the 1st one.

So, my goal is to have a natural vaginal childbirth after 2 c-sections. My doctor thinks I am nuts, but this is my will. I am scouring the New Orleans area to find a new doctor that will work with me, but it seems that all the doctors that would have, have fled the area since Katrina. If you know of someone, please let me know (leave a comment or email me).